Am I the “Anti-Mom Mom”?

While I swore I wasn’t going to make this blog all about being an expectant mother, it seems that with my blogging slow down, when I do write, that is what I write about.

I’ve been hit with a lot of freelancing deadlines, so I’ve been busy working on those when I’m not at work. When your brain is fried from having to be creative, and you’re battling from “pregnancy brain,” one of the last things you want to do is blog some more. So, for my infrequent posts, I apologize.

I’m sure the title intrigued you enough to click on the link, so now you’re thinking “What is an “anti-mom mom”? Well, apparently maybe it’s me.

I might get some flack for this post, and I’m sorry if I upset anyone. But I wasn’t looking to be a mom. I’ve never really been one to map out my life, but if you asked me where I saw myself in five or ten years, I have never once even come close to saying that I saw myself as a mother. When I admitted this to M one teary night, it surprised him. I also said, “Hey, I also never said I saw myself married, and look! Here we are!” (I don’t know if that cheered him up or not.)

I’m an animal person–I relate to animals so much more than kids, and people. I’ve had so many people say, “You’re so great with your dogs, you’re going to be a great mother…” But that’s still not very comforting to me.

Yeaaahhhhh....I already know I won't be that kind of mom. Just the opposite--you might have to remind me I'm a mother...

Yeaaahhhhh….I already know I won’t be that kind of mom. Just the opposite–you might have to remind me I’m a mother…

I feel horrible for any negative feelings I have about being pregnant, because I (personally) know there are many that struggle just to have kids that they love the moment they’re expecting or they’re adopting. I know there are some who may never have a child of their own…and there are some who maybe shouldn’t continue reproducing. I don’t know if I’d call myself lucky, but if you want to lean that way, then yes…I’m lucky. I’m part of that 1% that is expecting a kid while I was on the pill. (Now if only my luck worked on lottery tickets…)

But I haven’t done anything to hurt my growing child. I’ve read (a little) about what’s going on with my growing belly, and I’ve taken precautions with my workouts and lifestyle. But I haven’t completely changed. I still run, I still do CrossFit, I still work basically three jobs, I still live my life the same way I did before June. It’s a little different than back in May, but basically still the same.

I won’t post ultrasound photos on Facebook–I’m just not a fan of that, whether it’s my child or someone else’s. (Sorry, I don’t see how ultrasounds are “cute” and I’ve admitted that to our doctor a couple of times already.) And, no, I won’t post growing belly photos or be proud to have people touching my stomach. I struggled with my body image way before the pregnancy, and now it’s even worse. I don’t know how some women can do whole photo shoots of them almost completely naked and their large baby belly out there for the world to see…I barely let my husband see mine.

I’m not posting anything about baby countdowns or what size my baby is this week on any social network. The only thing we really have looking forward to the baby is our chalkboard that says “Baby A&W is ## weeks”, which is maybe updated every week to every two weeks…

I find it hard to tell someone “I’m pregnant”, yet I want to use it as an excuse for the sudden large belly that sticks out from my jeans and my workout clothes. I dread looking at maternity clothes because a lot of it puts out there, “Hey, guess what…I’m preggo!!”

I’m just still trying to be me, while trying to grasp the fact that a year from now, I’ll have 7-month-old that has completely changed my life in more ways than I can even wrap my head around right now. I know I’ll have friends who abandon me, and there will be times that I’ll be overwhelmed by everything (more than just some times), there will be changes. But hopefully, down this road, these changes will make me a better person than I think I am now. Who knows…maybe I can transfer my “good dog mom” skills to being a “good human mom”…or maybe I’ll have to rely heavily on M… We’ll see.