I had started writing this more than a month ago, and I should have posted it before now, but life has just been way too crazy for me.
Flashback to May…and I, along with the help of some family, packed up our entire home into a Budget Rental truck and we set out for a new beginning. We moved from Lexington back up to Indiana. It was time to be a family.
You see, M had started a new job up in Indiana in mid-January. There was no way I was going to move nine months pregnant, nor with a newborn, and I needed my job for the insurance, so I stayed in Lexington. After Baby A&W was born, M was able to spend two weeks in Lexington with us before he had to return to work. Since I had four weeks of maternity left, and a baby who needed to be fed every two hours (which included 30 minutes nursing on me, plus 30 minutes of me pumping, then 20 minutes of feeding baby the bottle…repeat the process 40 minutes later), I temporarily moved back to Indiana with M and my parents so I had some help. At the end of my maternity leave, I moved baby and the dogs back to Lexington and started to live the life of a pseudo-single mom. When M wasn’t traveling on the weekends for his new job, he’d come down to spend a couple days with us, then he’d return to my parents’ place and I returned to being the lone wolf.
It was like that for 3.5 months. And it was hard. It sucked. It was lonely. I don’t know how single parents do it everyday for 18+ years! I had so many breakdowns, so many rough nights, and all I could do was cry in the phone to my mom or husband as I struggled with just about everything. But, yet, I still worked out every morning, dropped my daughter off at daycare, worked 9 hours, picked her up, then we’d walk the dogs, and I’d feed her and make bottles for the next day, put her to bed, and then maybe I’d eat dinner around 9 or 10. I got it done. I had to. I had no other choice.
Then in May, reality hit us. The cost of rent on our house plus daycare each month was more than what I was making at work. Add to that a (HUGE) mistake by my HR with my FMLA paperwork, which meant I went five weeks without any income coming in at all, and we needed help. The only option we really had was that I moved up to Indiana earlier than planned. I had hope to find a job before the move, so it’d be an easier transition, but things weren’t panning out that way. So we set a date for Memorial Day weekend and I gave my final notice to my boss, which sucked.
Let me tell you, packing and moving with a 3 month old is not fun, nor do I recommend doing it when it’s 80+ degrees out, and you’re dealing with your parents and your in-laws, and are totally emotional because you don’t want to move. It was one of the hardest weekends ever for me. While I was happy to be able to finally have some help with Baby A&W (since we were moving in with my parents to help us get on our feet again), I didn’t want to leave Lexington. Lexington has been my home for eight years, and I built such a life, with friends, work, hangouts, dog training, Man O’War CrossFit, etc.
But, I knew it was for the best. M and I needed to be together again, and he needed to be able to be a father to Baby A&W more than just a couple days every couple of weeks. And I needed help.
While the accommodations are tight (four adults, one baby, three dogs, and four cats under one roof), I know it brings my parents great joy every morning to hear A laugh and screech with joy. M and I are crammed into my childhood bedroom, while A’s crib is in my dad’s office. Most of our belongings are in storage in my brother-in-law’s garage next door, so if I’m needing something (which is most of the time), I walk over there and dig through tons of boxes and hope I can find it (to date I’m still looking for flea/tick meds, bottle brushes, dog brushes, and I think something else). I’m thankful for my family to be such big help.
I’m going on a second month of still looking for a job, and it’s hard. It’s hard managing being a stay-at-home-working-mom with my freelancing. I feel like my entire life/identity is gone and I’ve lost myself in the move. I can’t do CrossFit everyday like I used to–I miss my boys at MOWCF like crazy–but I do it maybe twice a week with the local police department until I can afford a new membership. I’m trying to get back into running, but it’s hard with a fussy baby (most of my runs are with the stroller because I have to have A with me). And I just miss working…it might sound weird, but I do. But I know I need to cherish this time with A, as she’s changing everyday, and I do. But my sense of worth has drastically declined, though I know that’s stupid for a mother to say.
My writing has totally slacked, especially with this blog, and for that, I apologize. There’s been quite a few things that I’ve thought “I need to blog about this” but then I don’t because my “me-time” is only so fleeting, and I have so much more that has to get done besides blogging (i.e., laundry, caring for the horses, taking care of my parents’ house, interviews, transcribing, writing articles I actually get paid for, etc.). I’m going to try my best to be better..about everything.
For now, this has been Life on Planet Marsz….coming to you from Indiana.