A week or so ago the news stations were talking about how many drinks equaled “binge drinking.” The talk of bingeing always seems to come in waves: binge drinking one week, binge eating the next, … binge anything else later.
Now, you probably are thinking, “Well the title of this includes working out, but I’ve never heard of binge working out…” True, maybe you haven’t. But, to me, there is such a thing.
I haven’t been too shy talking about my episodes of binge eating. It’s a nice that comes in waves, personally. A lot of times it happens just around that certain time of the month, which happens with a lot of women. For me, it happens a lot when I’m stressed, lonely, bored, or just any thing that I try to suppress.
If there is something semi-tasty in the house, it’s in my belly.
I have no willpower.
If I feel I’ve worked for it, by God I’ll have it.
My thinking? Well, I’ll sweat out the calories at CrossFit, so I’m golden, right? A little here and there won’t hurt. Etc. Etc.
It’s totally unhealthy. I know it’s the reason for my recent weight gain and horrible feeling. But I can’t help to want just that scoop of ice cream, or that handful of cereal…multiple times throughout the night. Even though I had a filling, nutritious dinner just a few minutes ago.
At the box for my 2014 resolution, I put that I wasn’t going to snack after 7 pm, or else I’d have to do 50 burpees. Ugh…I have a lot of burpees to get through after this past week.
Hence what brings me to “binge working out”. When I had a gym membership, you could find me at the gym for an hour or so before work, then after work I’d be there for another hour or so. At some points I’d just want to work out more and more, to make up for the unhealthy decisions I had made previously.
I don’t believe I’ve ever really participated in binge drinking (well, except maybe during college…), but some times I worry about the thought of “Maybe just a drink will help me relax after this stressful day…” Shouldn’t I find other ways to relax? I walk the dogs after work, I surf the Internet, I try to just enjoy television. But it doesn’t seem to be sufficient.
I’ve gone into 2014 hoping that everything that was horrible in 2013 was going to instantly disappear as soon as chorus of “Auld Lang Syne” was completed. But, it hasn’t. Instead my faults have been magnified: I’m making as much money as I used to; my writing isn’t exactly what one editor wants it to be so maybe I suck as a writer; maybe I made the wrong decision about the new career; maybe I’m not cut out to be a competitor; maybe I’m just wrong.
So hence the bingeing with everything. I’m trying to combat things so I’m restarting my healthy lifestyle. My wish is my husband will work with me to keep out the bad stuff from the house (“out of sight, out of mind, out of my mouth”), and maybe even start encouraging me to do more activities together and not just mope alone on the couch, thinking negative thoughts.
And, yes, I do worry that maybe I’m not as “cured” of my depression as I thought maybe I was a few months ago. Depression isn’t just one textbook diagnosis and treatment, like I thought maybe it was. It’s not an easy fix and end-all, like I had hoped. But it just means that I need to fight harder to find myself, find my happiness, and keep it that way. Life isn’t easy, and we can’t just sit back and think we’re just observers–we have to live our lives.
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