This post has been months in the making. I started it in August…then re-worked it in September…and now it’s October. This has been tough for me to really wrap my head around and come to terms with. I have been suffering from depression.
My depression was caused by a catastrophic life change earlier this summer, when my world was rocked and I began to question everything I’ve come to know about myself. Now that I look back on it, I think I was battling the initial stages/signs of depression for almost a year before things finally snapped. I was so miserably unhappy in my job and where I was career-wise, I barely had any support from those I worked with, minus a few friends. There was no direction as to what I could really do to make things better, until it all just came to a blow.
I was also dealing with some personal issues, too personal to really talk about here, but I believe it definitely contributed to the state I’m in now.
I’ve talked with a counselor and with my general practice doctor. I’m on medicine with the idea it would help balance things out, help me concentrate and focus again, and be my old self. It’s not meant to be a forever thing–only to help me get through this rather rough patch…whenever that might be.
I started back down this road of “getting better” with the intention that it would happen quickly…but it hasn’t. I know things can’t be solved overnight, but some relief would be nice.
The scary thing is? They say you get good endorphins by exercising…if I’m still feeling this way even after a kick-ass CrossFit workout and 2 mile walk with my dogs, in the fresh air, how much worse could I feel if I didn’t workout as much as I do??
I’ve been using CrossFit as my escape lately. I’ve gone everyday, and when I can’t go it sends me deeper into the mess I’ve been feeling.
I’ve seen my sister struggle with her depression and other issues when we were growing up. I never imagined I could suffer from the same thing–I always thought, “I’ll never be like that…I have everything together…”
Apparently I don’t have everything together. I’ve spent my entire life trying to live up to such a high standard that maybe I’ve set for myself, or maybe it’s been set for me…but for me to admit what I used to consider a fault is hard.
It’s really hard.
But I’m trying.
I’m trying to think positive.
I’m trying to make my body move often.
I’m trying let go of a lot of things that hurt me.
I’m trying to forgive the people that have hurt me.
I’m trying to not let this crush me and change me for the worse, but instead push me to change for the better.
I hope this post is the positive right step. I’d appreciate any support or any words of wisdom. For now, I’m trying to keep my chin up and mind clear.
Your turn: Have you dealt with, or do you know someone who’s dealing with, depression?